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Frustration

Posted on April 19, 2018April 19, 2018 by Ashes Dancing

I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with the way the world celebrates the trivial and glosses over real issues. From time to time, I’ll share a funny cartoon or video to my timeline on Facebook and receive amused response. I add a photo of me at the beach and get lots of likes and comments. But when it comes to a serious issue? Silence.

I posted the following on World Semicolon Day:

Enjoy the memes, and make a #worldsemicolonday post to share resources and raise awareness if you know (or are) someone with a mental illness. And with 1 in 4 people experiencing mental illness at some point in their lives, chances are that you DO know at least one person. #endthestigma #mentalhealthawareness #1in4

The post included the list of resources that can be found along the side of my blog as well, and a couple of images that I will include at the end.

Only a few very close friends even reacted to the post. I saw no one in my entire friend list go on to make a World Semicolon Day post of their own. And that’s their choice… but at the same time, I’ve seen a lot of these people willing to post over less significant stuff, like “Happy Pancake Day, guess I’ll have to make pancakes lol,” and I just don’t understand why something important and potentially life-saving doesn’t merit a few seconds of attention for a similar post.

The situation reads to me that most people don’t care that people all around them are struggling silently on a daily basis. And I realize that in general it is ignorance not callousness leading to this carelessness, but it still hurts. I’d like to challenge people on social media that if they can invest a few seconds in changing the filter on their profile for some disaster or another (a move which has little actual benefit to the people they are supporting) then they ought to be able to invest the same to share resources and encouragement for the many people all around them who are fighting illnesses the world shames and ignores.

Why is it the suffering who are left alone to fight the battle of supporting each other?

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Anxiety, Worry, & Fear

Posted on January 21, 2018January 21, 2018 by Ashes Dancing

People often confuse anxiety with worry. They mistake anxiety for fear. People say, “Stop worrying so much,” or “Don’t get so worked up over nothing,” like anxiety is a choice, a result of too much brooding on life’s problems, a consequence of being too negative of a person. In the church, anxiety can be misdiagnosed as a lack of faith.

In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth.

To battle my way through the worst of my anxiety, I have to be a more positive person than I ever would have had to be without it. I have to put so much more effort into hoping to keep myself from drowning. I didn’t choose to have anxiety. What I did choose was to seek help and treatment because anxiety is an illness, not a character flaw.

My ability to deal with the stressful, the unknown, and the scary has grown and been strengthened by my battles with anxiety. I learned to survive with feelings that weren’t mine, intense surges of panic seemingly without relatable cause, extreme physical reactions to ordinary things, and intrusive thoughts. My brain is an encyclopedia of coping techniques gleaned from counseling, reading, conversations with others, and my own experiences.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about my anxiety and depression, and how my medication has been managing my symptoms pretty well for about 8 months now. Despite those positive things, I’ve found myself starting to slip into worry. It’s a vastly different experience from the anxiety I remember. What if my depression comes back? What if my meds stop working? What if I have to go back to the hospital? What if I can’t keep up with my work? What if I just keep cycling through new meds and bouts of mental illness for the rest of my life?

In times like those, God lays on my heart reminders of how He carried me through the worst of my anxiety and depression in the past to calm my worries and guide my focus back to Him. If a relapse of mental illness is in my future, God has a plan and can work through it. And as scary as mental illness can be, I can work to maintain my mental health and do my best to prevent future crises without needing to live in fear of it. I hit bottom and God provided the help and support I needed via medical treatment and brought me through it. Was it awful? Yes. Do I ardently hope to avoid that pit in the future? Yes. But knowing I’ve experienced my own “worst-case scenario” in the past, I can count on God to bring me through whatever the future holds.

“Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me.”

Psalm 23:4

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Hall of Shame

Posted on December 14, 2017 by Ashes Dancing

A collection of stupid quotes by people spreading stigma against people with depression. Here’s to hoping that by posting these and declaring them to be ridiculous, these phrases lose a little bit of their power.

“Why do you listen to your therapist [about how to treat your depression] more than me?” ~someone who is no longer my friend (and perhaps never was)
“99% percent of people are taking antidepressants as substance abuse.” ~some idiot on Quora
“Your problem is you need to stop thinking so negatively!” ~yet another clueless person of the internet
“Why hasn’t [person with depression] apologized to me personally for being sick?” ~another person I won’t talk to after her treatment of one of my best friends who had depression
“Depression isn’t real.” ~a moronic “Big Brother” contestant on Twitter

What things that people have said to you about your mental health would you put in your “Hall of Shame”?

“As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” ~Proverbs 26:11

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A Time to Mend

Posted on November 5, 2017 by Ashes Dancing

One of my first diagnoses was Seasonal Affective Disorder. Naturally, while preparing for the time change from Daylight Savings, I am worried that the severe depression that has been haunting me the past winters will return with a vengeance from the change in light.

This year was different than the others in some important ways. My depression hit new lows and I was hospitalized for the first time, but I’m also now on a medication that seems to be working better than anything I had tried in the past. Until I’ve made it through this winter, though, I can’t fully trust that my medication is really truly working. Because I didn’t get relief from depression until mid-April, I can’t be sure that the improvement in my symptoms was not merely seasonally linked. I want to think the doctors found something that worked, not that I just managed to pull through another winter, but I’m scared of believing it too soon and being let down.

This time change in particular is an important test, because I remember last year around this time was when I really started to fall apart again. This year, I’m beginning a second job in addition to my first, in places I really like and want to do well, and I don’t want depression to catch me off guard and ruin that for me. As I move forward, I’m praying that after many years of a time to tear down, this will be a time to mend.

“There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

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Try to Remember: Suicide Prevention

Posted on October 1, 2017October 1, 2017 by Ashes Dancing

September 30. Suicide Prevention Month is drawing to a close. Awareness campaigns are wrapping up. For most, the focus on suicide prevention is over for another year… if they ever really focused on it to begin with.

But for many, suicide prevention is not something that can be packed up at the end of a month, set aside for another year. For many, suicide prevention is a constant companion. We live with it, cherish it, cling to it.

I am in recovery. Yet even for me, suicide prevention is an ever-present concept. I know how important it is, how easily the wirings of my brain can misfire and turn against me. I know suicidal ideation is not simply a plague of the weak, but of anyone with the misfortune of being attacked by the body’s most complex organ, whose functionality we expect and rely on the most.

I will never be able to set aside my personal attention on suicide prevention at the end of an arbitrary division of time. This month of focus and awareness is ending, but please keep in mind that those around you who are suffering and fighting do not have the option to pack it away for another year. They need the support of those around them as much on the 1st of October as they do on the 30th of September.

Start conversations. Educate yourself on symptoms, warning signs, and resources. Reach out to your friends and family. Let the people around you know that you are a safe and non-judgmental listening ear and follow through on that promise.

If you or someone you know is struggling with a mental illness, please seek help! You can text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 at any time for free and confidential help, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.TALK (273-8255).

Songs for encouragement

Just Be Held

Posted on September 25, 2017September 25, 2017 by Ashes Dancing

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on…

The words resonated through me in the midst of my depression. I felt like I couldn’t hold on and the pressure to be strong was too much, but I didn’t dare give in to the rest I needed. I didn’t understand how this could be God’s plan for me.

…So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held…

God spoke to me through music. One night, I ended up listening to “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns. The line “Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place” became the anthem of my fight, a source of hope when I didn’t understand what was happening to me.

…And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands…

Though at the time I could not see it, God gave me the strength to trust; and here I am today. I see the beauty God has made out of the ashes of my life, and I’m trying to share that.

The ashes are dancing.

Past, Present, Future: Hopeful Thoughts

Five months ago, I was hospitalized. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t keep food down, and was experiencing extreme suicidal thoughts.

But today? Today I am halfway through my second week as a professional in my field. I am a college graduate, despite it all. I have my joy back. I love what I do. My faith in God is my guiding light. I discovered some true friends throughout it all who are still there for me, and I have a loving family supporting me as I move into the future.

Recovery is possible. Hope is real. ♥

Status• Posted on September 7, 2017September 7, 2017 by Ashes Dancing

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An Allegory

Posted on September 3, 2017 by Ashes Dancing

Once upon a time there was a woman who, like everyone else, had preferences about food. Though she was willing to try almost any food once, she had discovered a few things that she found pretty unappetizing, and tried to avoid those. Namely, tater tots, papaya, and yogurt. Her family and friends accepted this because they also had preferences about food and considered it normal.

Then one day, she came down with the flu. For days, a fever raged and she couldn’t keep anything down. Nothing tasted good–in fact, the very thought of food made her heave. For the first two days, people stopped by to help with ginger ale and Gatorade. The third day, she realized she was becoming dehydrated and couldn’t keep enough fluids down. She called a friend for a ride to the hospital. “You really should have been drinking more fluids, ” the friend commented as she dropped her off. “I really expected you to pull it together by now.”

The woman felt ashamed. Maybe this was her fault. Certainly if she had tried harder to fight her gag reflex this wouldn’t be happening.

“It’s a good thing you came in when you did,” the doctor remarked. “Dehydration is one of the biggest dangers of the flu and can become life threatening if you don’t seek help.” Despite hearing this from an expert, the woman struggled to believe it after the words of her well-intentioned friend.

The woman was in the hospital for a week, hooked up to an IV, before she finally began to feel better. Friends stopped by to check on her and cheer her up.

“It’s wish I had known you had the flu,” one said. “My grandmother swears by herbal tea. Flu is over hospitalized and over medicated when it really isn’t that big of an issue.”

One of her friends refused to come and tried to get others to not go as well. “Don’t reward her for having the flu,” she urged. “Giving her attention for being sick will only encourage her to dehydrate herself again. No, it’s best to ignore her until this is over.”

A week after being discharged from the hospital, the woman was feeling like her normal self. She decided to host a get together to hang out with friends and celebrate her recovery. Although she offered to do all the cooking, they insisted on making it potluck style so as not to overwhelm her. They were enjoying the foods of their choice and having a good time, when a friend brought her a plate of seconds. “Here, I saved you some of the yogurt and papaya fruit dish.”

Confused, the woman tried to find a gracious way out without drawing attention to the mistake. “That’s so sweet of you, but I’m actually full. Someone else can have the last bit.”

A friend frowned at this response. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay? I thought you were over the flu.”

“I’m fine,” she insisted bewilderedly. “I just don’t want to eat anymore.” She also couldn’t believe they were trying to get her to eat a dish combining two of her least favorite foods.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be here yet,” remarked another friend. “You clearly aren’t eating like normal.”

Pressured and defeated, the woman took the plate, feeling like she had to eat it or be discredited by her friends. But the combination of two unappetizing foods and having already eaten her fill led to a wave of nausea as she tried to choke more of it down. She tried to excuse herself gracefully, but it was too late. Everything she had eaten that night came back up all over the kitchen floor. As it happened, she heard the people talking around her.

“We should go. She obviously isn’t normal yet.”

“I’m sorry, but the flu has changed you. I can’t do this anymore,” the friend who had forced the plate upon her said, and walked out.

“I told you not to give her attention,” the friend who had ignored her during the illness remarked.

“It’s too bad you’re like this. We could have had a really good time.”

I hope that it is immediately apparent to anyone that this is a terrible way to treat someone suffering from a disease, yet many people still treat those with mental illnesses like this all the time! People with mental illnesses deserve respect and compassion just like everyone else. They are not defective or inferior for getting sick. Illness is something that happens to a person, not a character flaw or something that is inherently wrong with them. It is not the person’s fault that they are ill. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness—recovery IS possible and asking for help is brave, NOT shameful.

If you or someone you know is struggling with a mental illness, please seek help!

You can text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 at any time for free and confidential help, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.TALK (273-8255).

Please feel free to share!