One of my first diagnoses was Seasonal Affective Disorder. Naturally, while preparing for the time change from Daylight Savings, I am worried that the severe depression that has been haunting me the past winters will return with a vengeance from the change in light.
This year was different than the others in some important ways. My depression hit new lows and I was hospitalized for the first time, but I’m also now on a medication that seems to be working better than anything I had tried in the past. Until I’ve made it through this winter, though, I can’t fully trust that my medication is really truly working. Because I didn’t get relief from depression until mid-April, I can’t be sure that the improvement in my symptoms was not merely seasonally linked. I want to think the doctors found something that worked, not that I just managed to pull through another winter, but I’m scared of believing it too soon and being let down.
This time change in particular is an important test, because I remember last year around this time was when I really started to fall apart again. This year, I’m beginning a second job in addition to my first, in places I really like and want to do well, and I don’t want depression to catch me off guard and ruin that for me. As I move forward, I’m praying that after many years of a time to tear down, this will be a time to mend.
“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.”