vulnerability – Ashes Dancing

Happy New Beginning Day to Me

Posted on April 12, 2018 by Ashes Dancing

Today marks the one year anniversary of my release from the hospital. I’m incredibly torn. Part of me feels frustrated and let down that ever since I left the hospital, my family has put in their best effort to pretend none of it ever happened. They don’t seem to understand how significant the day is for me, or that I might want to be open about how I am feeling in my own home. Over the year as well, my folks have made hurtful and ignorant generalizations about mental illness not seeming to have gained any understanding from what I’ve been through.

On the other hand, part of me wants to celebrate. The day I left the hospital marked a brand new beginning where I was much more equipped to tackle life on my terms rather than on my illnesses’ terms. I went through hell and emerged on the other side victorious. Why shouldn’t I celebrate that?

I wish I lived in a world where I could celebrate out loud and not be judged or feared, ridiculed or looked down upon, scorned or invalidated. I want to shout to the cosmos that one year ago today, I got a fresh start on life. For now, I’ll settle for a few words on the internet on an obscure blog. Chances are that only those who understand will ever read this, and that’s okay. I don’t need the world’s permission to be proud of who I am and how far I’ve come.

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Rediscovering Me

Posted on April 6, 2018April 6, 2018 by Ashes Dancing

One year ago today, I was admitted to inpatient mental health treatment. My stay led to finding a medication that actually worked for me, giving me my life back and sending me on the path of recovery.

Before all of that, I struggled with undiagnosed mental illness for years. Looking back, I am fairly certain my chronic depression developed in late elementary or early middle school. Despite persistent and chronic symptoms, with so little frame of reference I had no idea that my experience strayed from what was usual and healthy. For a young female with an early puberty, chronic fatigue and oversleeping are attributed to the growth spurt, and moodiness is explained away by PMS. Only when these issues persisted into adulthood, growing worse instead of better, did I seek out answers on my own and reach out to the health center on campus for medical help.

Consequentially, I’ve lived more than half my life in the shadow of untreated mental illness. After having my experiences and perception affected for so long, I have spent most of this past year rediscovering who I am. Some things, the things that carried me through the dark years, have stayed true and steady, but other things that I had forgotten brought me joy have emerged from the shadows. Some dislikes faded and changed as I redeveloped the energy to invest in life beyond survival, and others proved to be facets of my personality. It’s interesting and challenging and scary all at once.

Sometimes I feel frustrated that while others spent the decade figuring themselves out, I spent it trying to survive. But I am trying to focus instead on celebrating my becoming in the now. I have fought battles few can understand, and by God’s grace I have emerged victorious. I am triumphant, I am strong, and I am becoming new.

“But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.’

‘Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.'”

Isaiah 43:1-2, 18-19

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Thank you, meds!

Posted on December 20, 2017December 20, 2017 by Ashes Dancing

A list of things that have changed since I got on a medication that was right for me:

My sleep schedule is regularized and so much healthier. I go to bed and wake up almost the same time every day without developing high levels of anxiety at bedtime or being pinned to my bed in the morning by the futile weight of depression.
The feeling of anticipation has returned. Weird as it may seem, anticipation is a big indicator for me of my mental health. When I’m depressed, everything on my list of events carries a similar bland, uninspiring flavor. Whether I needed to get to a boring lecture or I had planned on attending a Christmas party, my plans had the same lack of drive. Now, that sense of looking forward to something brings the impulse of excitement that most people would never expect could disappear.
I can drive without having an anxiety attack, which is huge for me considering I had previously never been able to do enough practice driving to get my license.
I developed my first celebrity crush–it may seem silly or unrelated, but realizing it hadn’t happened before suddenly showed me how my mind really hasn’t been functioning properly for years. I had started to believe the fun, fluttery, crush-y feelings of my very early adolescence were imaginary since they had been gone so long. (Before you ask… Matthew Gray Gubler’s character on Criminal Minds.)
I’m not constantly battling intrusive and frightening thoughts, including suicidal ideation. It should never be normal to be forced to maintain an ongoing battle with your own mind in order to stay afloat and function, but for a while, it was my “normal.”
I’ve recognized that some people who were in my life were toxic and emotionally abusive. Being mentally in a better place showed me that I did not deserve or warrant their treatment, and that it was okay to cut them out of my life.
I have the energy and motivation to take other steps for promoting my health. For example, I’ve started learning martial arts and work out twice a week. The exercise is helpful for maintaining my health both mentally and physically, but I did not have the stamina or strength to get myself doing anything like that before getting on the right medication.

Because of the stigma against medication for mental illness, I fought against going on meds to help treat my depression for a long time. Now, however, I recognize and celebrate them for what they really are–an important weapon in the fight against mental illness that, for me, was an essential part of recovery.

“Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.”

Psalm 116:7-9

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A Time to Mend

Posted on November 5, 2017 by Ashes Dancing

One of my first diagnoses was Seasonal Affective Disorder. Naturally, while preparing for the time change from Daylight Savings, I am worried that the severe depression that has been haunting me the past winters will return with a vengeance from the change in light.

This year was different than the others in some important ways. My depression hit new lows and I was hospitalized for the first time, but I’m also now on a medication that seems to be working better than anything I had tried in the past. Until I’ve made it through this winter, though, I can’t fully trust that my medication is really truly working. Because I didn’t get relief from depression until mid-April, I can’t be sure that the improvement in my symptoms was not merely seasonally linked. I want to think the doctors found something that worked, not that I just managed to pull through another winter, but I’m scared of believing it too soon and being let down.

This time change in particular is an important test, because I remember last year around this time was when I really started to fall apart again. This year, I’m beginning a second job in addition to my first, in places I really like and want to do well, and I don’t want depression to catch me off guard and ruin that for me. As I move forward, I’m praying that after many years of a time to tear down, this will be a time to mend.

“There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8