death – Ashes Dancing

Happy New Beginning Day to Me

Posted on April 12, 2018 by Ashes Dancing

Today marks the one year anniversary of my release from the hospital. I’m incredibly torn. Part of me feels frustrated and let down that ever since I left the hospital, my family has put in their best effort to pretend none of it ever happened. They don’t seem to understand how significant the day is for me, or that I might want to be open about how I am feeling in my own home. Over the year as well, my folks have made hurtful and ignorant generalizations about mental illness not seeming to have gained any understanding from what I’ve been through.

On the other hand, part of me wants to celebrate. The day I left the hospital marked a brand new beginning where I was much more equipped to tackle life on my terms rather than on my illnesses’ terms. I went through hell and emerged on the other side victorious. Why shouldn’t I celebrate that?

I wish I lived in a world where I could celebrate out loud and not be judged or feared, ridiculed or looked down upon, scorned or invalidated. I want to shout to the cosmos that one year ago today, I got a fresh start on life. For now, I’ll settle for a few words on the internet on an obscure blog. Chances are that only those who understand will ever read this, and that’s okay. I don’t need the world’s permission to be proud of who I am and how far I’ve come.

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Rediscovering Me

Posted on April 6, 2018April 6, 2018 by Ashes Dancing

One year ago today, I was admitted to inpatient mental health treatment. My stay led to finding a medication that actually worked for me, giving me my life back and sending me on the path of recovery.

Before all of that, I struggled with undiagnosed mental illness for years. Looking back, I am fairly certain my chronic depression developed in late elementary or early middle school. Despite persistent and chronic symptoms, with so little frame of reference I had no idea that my experience strayed from what was usual and healthy. For a young female with an early puberty, chronic fatigue and oversleeping are attributed to the growth spurt, and moodiness is explained away by PMS. Only when these issues persisted into adulthood, growing worse instead of better, did I seek out answers on my own and reach out to the health center on campus for medical help.

Consequentially, I’ve lived more than half my life in the shadow of untreated mental illness. After having my experiences and perception affected for so long, I have spent most of this past year rediscovering who I am. Some things, the things that carried me through the dark years, have stayed true and steady, but other things that I had forgotten brought me joy have emerged from the shadows. Some dislikes faded and changed as I redeveloped the energy to invest in life beyond survival, and others proved to be facets of my personality. It’s interesting and challenging and scary all at once.

Sometimes I feel frustrated that while others spent the decade figuring themselves out, I spent it trying to survive. But I am trying to focus instead on celebrating my becoming in the now. I have fought battles few can understand, and by God’s grace I have emerged victorious. I am triumphant, I am strong, and I am becoming new.

“But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.’

‘Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.'”

Isaiah 43:1-2, 18-19

Saying Goodbye

Trouble, the beloved matriarch of my goat herd, passed away today at the age of twelve. After over a decade where she was part of the family, it’s hard to say goodbye.

I wish I could take the time to grieve. With two jobs, it feels like I have to always be focused on my work and being prepared for lessons, and if I step away from those thoughts even for a day, I feel like I will be lost and unprepared. She was important to me, even if no one around me knows or understands that.

Over the years, my goats knew more of my struggles than people did. I would go out with them and lean against their warm sides and cry even when I had no humans to turn to and talk to about what was going on. The goats don’t judge, or tell me it’s all in my head, or invalidate my feelings. They’re simply there, listening, and present.

People could learn a lot from goats.

Status• Posted on November 12, 2017 by Ashes Dancing